And then there are those days when you're on, like, the bleeding edge of old school, so to speak.
It all started innocently enough...
Me: Hey, Mechwarrior 2. I haven't played you in a long time. I bet you're still fun.
MW2: I bet I am.
Me: How about I install you and play you?
MW2: OH MY GOD IT'S WINDOWS XP SAVE ME SAVE ME HELP HELP!
Me: Well, that's no good. Hey, The Internet, why can't I get MW2 and Windows XP to play together like good children?
The Internet: Well, Dwip, it turns out that for some random reason, the Windows version of MW2 won't work in XP. You need Win95 or Win98 to make it run.
Me: Oh, well then. Hey, Win98, how about I install you on Dino Comp, and then we'll do some MW2 installing?
Win98: Hmph. No!
Me: Well, whyever not?
Win98: Something's wrong. I keep hanging up during setup.
Me: MS Medic! MS Medic! Tell me what could be the problem?
MS Medic: Yeah, how about I don't.
Me: Dammit.
Win98: Ack! *dies*
Me: Well, ok then. Help me, Obi-Wan Win95, you're my only hope.
Win95: Let's do it. Ph34r my...wait, I'm too old to use leet. Fear my 640x480@16 color resolution!
Me: Hey, suck on this driver disk. And while we're at it, have this joystick install disk.
Win95: Well, this new resolution is super good, but that joystick disk didn't go down quite right. It made me throw up.
Me: Well, that's no good. We'll get you some more drivers off the internet.
Win95: What is the "internet"?
Me: Oh dear. Well, ok. First, have this NIC driver floppy. And, um, then we'll set you up on the network.
Arcane Win95 Network Settings: Huzzah!
Me: On second thought, we'll burn a CD.
Win95: Wai~! But I'm afraid I need to restart.
Me: Didn't you just restart like 30 times already?
Win95: I'm sorry. I want to be like my younger brother, XP, but I can't.
Me: It's ok, Win95. I forgive you. Hey, Joystick, we ready yet?
Joystick: Hey, wrong port, yo.
Me: What? There's only one joystick port on this...
Soundblaster 16: Hey, down here.
Me: SB16? You have a joystick port?
SB16: Yeah. This gigantic circuit board that's bigger than every other board in your computer put together has to do SOMETHING with itself.
Me: Oh, ok then. Well then. We all good, guys?
Win95: Good to go.
Joystick: Good to go.
SB16: Sounding a bit crackly in my old age, but then, I do date from like 1993.
Mechwarrior 2: Full install, and I quote, "Requires 120 MB!!!"
Me: Yeah, about that.
Mechwarrior 2: Yeah, I know. Also, if you want 640x480 movie playback, you'll need to set that up.
Me: Things really have improved in the last 10 years, haven't they?
Mechwarrior 4: Yeah, no doubt.
Mechwarrior 2: Shut up, you. Hey, come on. I was pretty badass in 1995, you know? Your 486 could barely handle me.
Me: So true. However, you must witness the power of this fully operational P500 with upgrades.
Win95: I can flyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Me: Hey, SB16. What's with the lack of sound?
SB16: I have an imaginary device conflict.
Me: An imaginary device conflict?
SB16: Yeah. And until you make it go away, no sound for you.
Me: But it's imaginary!
SB16: I don't care. No sound until you appease me.
Me: Um, crap. Hey Device Manager, any ideas?
Device Manager: No clue.
Me: Well, er...this will sting a bit...
SB16: What?
Me: *shoots SB16 in Fight Clubesque scene*
SB16: That really hurt! However, in a sudden moment of clarity, I can tell you that you will need to cross the Chasm of Device Manager, and do battle with the PCI Steering Hydra for the Sacred IRQ Number.
Me: *does battle*
PCI Steering Hydra: Ha! Nice try for IRQ 4, there, Dwip, but I thwart you!
Me: Dammit. *does battle* Wait. Idea. *feints towards Printer Port*
Printer Port: Foiled, foolish Dwip! IRQ 7 is mine! MINE!
Me: Well, shit guys. Let's retreat and think something else up. And I'm tired. It's 5:30am.
Posted by Dwip at September 3, 2005 5:36 AMI laugh at you. Not because you're funny, but because I could've had that working in like 15 minutes.
Posted by: Whir at September 3, 2005 10:16 AMWell, MY laugher is because you are funny. And it sounds like you had as much fun trying to play the game as you would have had actually playing. Probably.
Posted by: suz at September 4, 2005 5:42 PMConsidering how MW2 can't possibly handle my vast increase in tactical skill gained over the last ten years? Yeah, some truth to that.
It's all, well, gloriously retro though. Not quite as gloriously retro as when I was playing Ultima 4, which is from like, 1985, but good enough. Good enough.
Posted by: Dwip at September 5, 2005 5:40 PMI still have a Win95 'chine WITH MW2 loaded on it in operational condition in my basement. No, I have no idea why, but I bet that 13 inch monitor looks pretty big next to a... PSP.
I ran MW2 on *this* very internet surfing slug back when it was a Win98 unit and let me tell you, an Athlon 1.2 gig with 512 memory let me tear that game up. The Darksun game with realtime combat didn't fair so well. I would die before I could get a hit in it ran so fast.
Posted by: Tim at September 7, 2005 8:51 PM