I still remember Epic 15 rather fondly, being as it was my second Epic and my first report. A rehash of it, on Emperor? Sounds good to me. Even arid and flat and raging barbarians with the Hittites of all civs, which sort of reminds me in some fashion of RBC9. And given that succession game and a couple of AI Hittites who did everything within their power to fall, lemming-like, from the face of the planet, I haven't felt a lot of love for the Hittites lately. Ah well. By rights, it should be the English, given that I'm playing this in London. But ah well.

But anyway, on to the wars.

And of course the start tile is a bonus grass. Why wouldn't it be a bonus grass? Because this is Realms Beyond, where we thrive on difficult start location questions.

Or not, as we move the worker onto the flood plain wheat, discover we're on the ocean, and move to the non-wheat flood plain on the ocean. Accordingly, Hattusas is founded, and starts a warrior, which is immediately changed to a scout, as the Cumans are rather obliging, and provide us with a warrior.

We call in our scientist, one Antrobus, and set him to work on the secret of the wheel.

In 3650 BC, which is perhaps a tad early in the day, we run into a rather jovial fat fellow in orange, who calls himself Osman. A rather illiterate chap, as well, who likes to play with big stone blocks. In return for some blocks, we teach him the alphabet and give him a few shiny gold things to play with. He goes away rather pleased.

In 3350 BC, we run into some fairly lost looking Parthians. We offer to show them the light of civilization and our superior culture, and they rather eagerly cast off their stinking animal skins and such and join up:

We lead them off near the Ottomans, to found Tarsus right next to Istanbul. If it doesn't flip, we'll have spices.

For being a jovial fat fellow, Osman sure does like to play with stone axes. Accordingly, we attempt to buy him off by trading Pottery and 1 gpt for Ceremonial Burial. That will work for a time, but we need military soon.

This could be a short game.

Sure enough, he declares, but his conscript attacks over the river and dies. Still.

That same turn, 2750 BC, we run into the Maya, who apart from having very painful looking ear things, have Warrior Code and Bronze Working, and want to be literate bad enough to teach us both techs, plus give us 10 gold. I'm now up the Wheel on everyone, and going for Iron Working.

The next turn, our second warrior goes out to fight, and gets bushwhacked by the second Otto warrior, which goes to 1 hp. And it became time to see if we're as lucky as we think we are. Our garrison warrior in Hattusas attacks, and...wins. Sometimes it's definitely better to be lucky than good.

In 2590 BC, the Shangian tribe in the tundra is so impressed with our civilization that they smoke some part or another of the walrus and go into mystic trances, which are eagerly recorded by our scouts.

In 2150 BC, Iron Working comes in. We actually DO have a shot at iron, if we're quick about it. We then start on Writing.

In 1830 BC, we finally make peace with Osman, after a fairly lengthy phony war wherein he ran off with hordes of archers to attack assorted barbarians, and I built more settlers.

Smoke Jaguar, for some reason, is all about Writing, and wants to give me Mathematics and 96 gold. He'd give me more, but can't afford it.

Miracle of miracles, I'm the first to discover Philosophy, which nets me Construction, and starts me on Polytheism. So far I'm keeping up quite well in the tech race, which is of course helped by my selling Writing to Osman for 76 gold in 1350 BC.

And with the founding of Aleppo in 1150 BC, my settling days came to an end, Bonampak being in the extremely inconvenient spot that it is. Not quite the best job, but given the circumstances, not too shabby.

In 710 BC, our one curragh serves its purpose, giving us contact with Japan and presumably the other continent, who's got a major leg up in the tech race - Horseback Riding, Map Making, and Literature, to be exact. Math gets us Horseback Riding and 70 gold, and Horseback Riding and 20 gold gets us Map Making from the Maya. Literature we'll choose to ignore for the moment.

In 630 BC, with Monarchy one turn out by self-research (and I can't tell you the last time I did THAT), I buy Currency and 100 gold off Osman for my Polytheism monopoly.

And the moment of truth comes...in 3 turns. That's a lot nicer than I feared.

Somehow or another, the AIs picked up the last two age techs in those three turns, which means trading Currency off to Toku for Literature and 90 gold, and then selling it to Osman for Code of Laws and 70 gold. Monotheism is begun, and we're suddenly some very Medieval Hittites.

And the Mayans are some very bookish Mayans, since Smoke Jaguar keeps demanding tech from me, and I keep caving. That needs to stop.

And apparently this is one of those games where none of the AIs go for the Colossus for no apparent reason:

This also apparently sends us into a Golden Age. Well, ok.

Massive marketplace constuction begins across the empire. On the off chance that nobody went for the Hanging Gardens, which is pretty good because I'm the only one with Monarchy (!), Hattusas starts in on it. If nothing else, it can serve as a Sistine's prebuild. Or, at the rate we're going, I can just make Sistine's later.

In 90 BC, Japan demands Monotheism. I decline to acquiesce to their demands, and they decide that war on me would be a good idea. As I'm not terribly afraid of whatever they might be able to stick on galleys, I don't worry about it.

Just to keep going up the tech ladder, I trade away my Monotheism monopoly to Osman for Engineering, 130 gold, and 29 gpt. And I apparently should have gone for Fuedalism, since Smoke Jaguar won't touch Monotheism with a ten foot pole after that.

As it happens, I miss out on the Hanging Gardens by all of three turns, and one turn away from Theology, the Great Lighthouse goes too, which forces me to trade Monotheism and 37 gpt to Smoke Jaguar for Fuedalism to switch to Sun Tzu's. And what's more, the turn that would have given me Theology turns out to have ended my Golden Age instead. Ah well.

Come 190 AD, I decide that I'm tired of the whole war with Japan thing, and trade off Monotheism for 300 gold or so.

And Smoke Jaguar's demanding techs I have monopoly on is really starting to annoy me. Fortunately, I can't do a thing about it. He even immediately traded it to Osman, so I can't get Invention out of it. Argh. And the instant my spaces are available to trade Osman, he demands them. Vicious bastards, these.

In 320 AD, I finally find another civ, the Byzantines, who are apparently Japan's neighbors, and are even more backward, which is rather astonishing, never mind that they have the Great Library.

In 380, my exploring galley takes down no less than five assorted barbarian galleys. For some reason, there are gigantic fleets of barbarians roving around, acting like sort of wannabe Vikings.

And Education will get me Republic, Chivalry, and Invention from Smoke Jaguar, as well as furs, 230 gold, and 19 gpt from Osman, and a RoP from Theodora, just because she'll get it next turn anyway and I'm evil like that.

A sixth barbarian galley later, and my 1 hp elite galley, apparently led by Nelson or the like, is victorious.

And for various values of eep, Osman has not only the Statue of Zeus, but also Sun Tzu's. Nice Osman. Good Osman. Just for kicks, he pulls out the Knights Templar, too, a few turns later.

And lo, in 430 AD, the great Sistine Chapel was built in Hattusas, and the Hittite people rejoiced muchly.

Somewhere in here, I run into Babylon, which isn't really exciting in and of itself, except for the part where they really, really suck.

Come 570 AD, Osman and I both get Astronomy on the SAME TURN, as does Smoke Jaguar, which means Theodora gets to trade me Gunpowder and 14 gold for it. For what it's worth, I'm now down Music Theory. And do I have saltpeter? Of course not. Of course not.

In 600 AD, it becomes entirely clear that Smoke Jaguar and Theodora have Banking, Osman doesn't, and that 820 gold will get it from Smokey. So I go for it, and use it to net Music Theory and both Otto luxuries.

And in 660 AD, it looks like Osman's about ready to invade, since he's got Ancient Cav and Templars all over the place. So I buy Chemistry and Printing Press from him for 70 gpt and my spices. Hopefully that holds him off. In case it doesn't, I buy the spare Mayan saltpeter for 250 gold.

Sure enough, they declare anyway. Crap. Tarsus pretty much autodies. I change a bunch of projects over to barracks, which hurts a lot. I then buy in the Maya for a whopping 33 gpt. This, though horrendously expensive, pretty much works, though it draws in Babylon (oh no! Not the worst nation on the planet!) to fight the Maya. This, in turn, leads to some sort of gigantic world war, where the Ottos are fighting me and the Maya, the Maya are fighting Babylon, the Ottos, and Japan, and the Byz are signed up on the Mayan side versus Japan.

What all of this ends up meaning is that the Maya and the Ottos trade a whole bunch of units down south on their mutual border, while I sit around and build up and wonder what, exactly, I'm going to use to take my city back. Too, since I WAS working on Copernicus, I go ahead and complete it, despite the one-time plans to turn it into Adam Smith's:

Save of the day: A 1 hp Mayan knight attacking across a river versus an archer parked on top of the hill with my only wines, and winning.

Major non-save of the day: A Mayan longbow generating a leader on the attack, then that leader not moving, being guarded by a longbow, and then being obliterated by a passing Otto knight.

Eventually, as in 970 AD, I put together 10 longbows or so, stomp the hell out of the Ottos defending Tarsus, and declare peace on Osman. I didn't exactly win that war, but I came out of it ok nonetheless.

I am behind in the tech race, however - the AIs all went up the Mil Tradition branch, which means I get to buy Metallurgy at unhealthy prices, made worse by my being down on banks.

For another hundred years or so, the AIs sit around burning up a thousand or so shields worth of cav and sipahis, until the Ottos and Mayas decide in 1080 to give peace a chance.

Seizing the day, I buy up Physics from the Ottos for 1190 gold and spices, then proceed to get some gold, Econ, and gems by selling it to Byzantium and Japan. Babylon, feeling left out or something, demands spices IBT. Since my spices are totally worthless for trade anyway, and since Babylon is in absolutely no danger of doing something useful with themselves, I cave.

Too, since nobody else is, I begin Smith's, which appears to make the Ottos jealous, since they start it the very same turn, in...Bursa, which actually has mines, and may be threatening at some distant point in the future. In the meantime, they'll have to settle for being one of two nations in the Industrial age, with the Mayas being the other.

Continuing to climb on the other end of the tech tree, I buy a 76 gpt Theory of Gravity from the Maya, and a few turns later when the Byzantines for some reason buy Magnetism instead, trade them ToG, spices, and 11 gpt for it, which launches us all into the Industrial age. As it happens, the Ottos drew either Medicine or Nationalism, the Mayas have Nationalism, and the Byzantines got Steam Power. Capitalizing on that, I then buy Steam Power off the Byz for my horses, 1700 gold, and 30 gpt. With all that jungle, it is of course obvious that neither of my two coals is hooked up.

Just for the entertainment value of the whole thing, which I should have done a tad earlier, I effectively gift Babylon up to Industrial from Astronomy, on the off chance they have something useful techwise. They pull Nationalism, which I can't QUITE get with Steam Power and all my remaining money. A few turns later, Steam, 400 gold, 60 gpt, and my only wines is sufficient to get my Nationalism. Somewhat randomly, I also discover that Smoke Jaguar hasn't got Steam Power, and will trade me quite a bit for it. However, with no coal hooked up, I don't do it yet.

Or, since the Ottos randomly declare in 1240 AD, I do. Or would, except for the part where he acquired it that same turn. I can, however, sign up Japan, for whatever it's worth, for a complex deal involving horses, saltpeter, and Military Tradition on his side, and Nationalism on mine.

Tarsus, as its want to do from time to time, falls to the Ottos, which coincidentally cuts off ALL my trade for some reason. What's even better, my treasury totally runs out, and improvements start dying. The game is at this point pretty much over. Just for kicks, Harran and Hattusha fall the next turn. That having been done, they run over Hattusas, followed by Ugarit. Smoke Jaguar, being a true pal, demands money and my map, and when I tell him to go away declares. Unfortunately for him, Tyrana falls in 1285, followed by Aleppo the same turn.

And with that, I have suffered a humiliating conquest loss:

Quoth Osman, "All your base are belong to us."