Considering that, in the game that this is a break from, I'm FIGHTING Babylon, who control vast tracts of excellent land, this whole Babylon As the Pit of the Universe thing is amusing. But I guess that's what happens when you show up drunk to the land lottery.

First things first. We emerge from our drunken stupor for a moment...

"Flunkiluliumash, this music is pathetic! Fire the musicians and find me some new ones!"

"Yes sire."

Some time passes, during which we amuse ourselves by ordering our laborers this way and that, guided by a pair of dice and a spinner. Rather soon (too soon? Or is it the wine talking?) Flunkiluliumash returns, with four guys with long hair and instruments.

"Sire, these four are from The Pungent Weeds. They say they can play instruments."

"Well, they've got to be better than the previous musicians. Have them play something."

We light up some of said pungent weed in our pipe, and listen to some song they call "RBCiv-50 In the Sky With Diamonds." Well, I'm not in the sky, and I have no diamonds (but what an idea!), but this is very interesting...

"They may stay, Flunkiluliumash."

In 430 BC, word reaches us that some civilization called the Romans has constructed an Oracle to guide them. Lighting up another pipe, we snort in derision.

"We have all the guidance we need right here, don't we Flunkiluliumash?"

"Er, yes sire."

In 390 BC, we are aroused from our drunken stupor once more...

"Sire! We have word from our scouting galleys! They have met another civilization, the Egyptians, and they are led by a most beautiful and powerful woman, Cleopatra!"

Most excellent. Beautiful and exotic foreign women. She must be lured here...

"Flunkiluliumash, send an ambassador to Cleopatra, and don't forget to include a case of our finest wines."

"But sire, Egypt does not have a harbor capable of unloading them."

Well, drat. Maybe love poetry in the meantime? Must think about this...

"Bring me another bottle of wine, Flunkiluliumash!"

That same year, I decide that, while my island paradise is truly paradisiacal, I must have a new villa, one where I can show the beautiful Cleopatra the expanse of my kingdom, and watch sunsets or something.

"Flunkiluliumash, I want you to construct me a new home in the northern mountains!"

"But sire, the laborers are on strike! They say they're very angry about the spinner. They understood about the dice, but the spinner was just too much."

"Fine, fine. Take that box of wine you were going to send to Egypt, and send it to the laborers instead. That should improve their mood!"

"Er, yes sire."

In 270 BC, we make contact with another civilization near the Egyptians - the Ottomans. They are led by a jolly fat fellow named Osman. I am mistrustful. Certainly this jolly fat fellow wants Cleopatra for himself!

"Flunkiluliumash, does Egypt have a harbor capable of unloading our wines yet?"

"Alas, sire, they do not."

Blast! I must entice Cleopatra with Babylon's greatness! But wait, I have it!"

"Flunkiluliumash, send an ambassador to the wondrous Cleopatra. Tell her I will offer to give her writing lessons if only she will make a visit to Babylon."

"Er, yes sire."

It worked! Cleopatra came to Babylon, and was so entranced by my writing lessons and my golden trinkets that she in turn taught me how to work bricks and iron. A girl of the world, is Cleopatra.

"Sire, you forgot to mention the episode where you both got drunk, and she pushed you around on that wheeled contraption..."

"Quiet, Flunkiluliumash."

"Er, yes sire."

Alas, we have neither horses nor iron. But not to worry. I am sure that Cleopatra will provide for our every need.

In 230 BC, we meet another civilization, the Byzantines. They are led by the beautiful Theodora, who is quite cold to our ambassador. Perhaps she is jealous of Cleopatra?

"Can we send her some wines, Flunkiluliumash? Perhaps they will improve her disposition?"

"Afraid not, sire. Harbors, you understand."

*sigh*

I'm never, ever going to complain about my luck with starting spots ever again. Ever.

EVER.

"Flunkiluliumash, I am distraught. You must build me a tall tower in our holy vineyards, so that I may gaze upon the lands of the wondrous and beautiful Cleopatra from afar. You should put a big light in it, too, so I can see them even at night."

"Er...yes, sire."

Using this great tower, I spy not only the lands of the wondrous and beautiful Cleopatra, but lands to our north. They too, appear to be ruled by a woman. And this I meet Isabella of the Spanish. She too is cautious of me. Have the tales of Cleopatra and I spread so far?

I am nothing if not a crafty king, however. I venture north, offering to tell Isabella of the gods of Babylon, the grape and the pungent weed. She is entranced, as I knew she would be, by our gods, and by our golden baubles. We spend days wandering Spain on horseback. Isabella is a studious woman, and attempts to teach me mathematics, the better to run our vineyards. They are pleasant days, but alas, they do not last, as Isabella is unable to overcome her jealousy for my relationship with Cleopatra. I am dejected, but when I return to Babylon, Cleopatra awaits, and I shower her with wines and luxurious furs.

"Right," I say. "I'll just loop my galley around Egypt here, and go for the other side. Won't take long."

Yeah, about that.

"Uh, sire?"

"Not a word, Flunkiluliumash. Not a word."

In 250 AD, near Egypt, we meet Xerxes of the Persians. He is an uncouth barbarian, and I am not afraid. I know who the wondrous and beautiful Cleopatra prefers.

However, he has some good ideas about rulership, and I'm not afraid to copy good ideas.

"Hail to the king, baby!"

"Er, yes sire."

In 270 AD, our ambassadors meet with two new civilizations. One of them is led by the uncouth and barbarous Shaka, who I discover is fighting with the beautiful Theodora. The other, Russia, is led by the, erm, beautiful Catherine, who is obviously jealous of the wondrous and beautiful Cleopatra, as she gives our ambassadors a cold welcome.

By 310 AD, relations with Theodora had improved so much, and Babylon had become such an attractive spot to live, that Byzantines were coming to our lands to live. Some of them liked their new lands so much they petitioned me for citizenship rights. I could not refuse.

Apparently Isabella and Cleopatra had been fighting over me behind my back. In 330 AD, they could hide it no longer, and began fighting each other in the street. My attempts at diplomacy were rebuffed by both of them.

"It's hard to be the king, Flunkiluliumash."

"Yes sire."

The wondrous and beautiful Cleopatra, ashamed at her scene, sent me books on philosophy and law in apology. Delighted, I showered her with wines, furs, and golden baubles. I just love to see her happy.

In 350 AD, we meet the Mongols, who are merely uncouth barbarians with no sense of style or civilization.

And we looked out upon our lands, and were pleased.

In 390 AD, we meet the Romans, who are barely civilized.

"Say, sire. Don't all these 'barbarians' have more technology than you?"

"Quiet, Flunkiluliumash."

"Er, yes sire."

In 400 AD, I have a nice horseback ride with Theodora, in celebration of the end of her fight with Shaka. I show her how to ride, and tell her of the wonders of wine and weed, and in return, she shows me the great aqueducts and colosseums her people have constructed. I am much impressed.

Soon after, Isabella storms in, and demands, DEMANDS that I give her wines. I would have given them to her freely, had I known she had the harbor to accept them!

(Apparently IBT she built a harbor, and immediately made the demand. That's pretty cold. Go Cleo!)

"What was that, sire?"

"Nothing, Flunkiluliumash. Nothing."

Like I said, I'm never going to complain about my spot ever again. The Ottos got owned.